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On Father’s Day 2014, this paper ran a feature titled “The Ultimate Father.” The article was subtitled: “Tim Rohr knows the definition of the word ‘father’ very well. He is the father of 11 children.” The article featured a big picture of my wife and I with our 11 children.
Four years later, in May 2018, I was smeared for an entire week in local headlines as a wife beater and a sexual molester of my own children.
The allegations were false, and according to credible estimates, such allegations against men in particular are false 55% of the time. But I couldn’t rely on estimates. I had to prove those allegations false or lose everything.
So how does a husband and a father defend himself against those kinds of allegations coming from his own family? And just as important, how does a man, a husband and father, recover from the angst and despair wrought by such a malignant situation?
I’ve been hesitant over the years to share any of my personal story relative to this drama for two reasons: 1) I didn’t (and still don’t) want to hurt any of my children by dragging any of this into the present; and 2) I wanted (and still want) to leave my door open for reconciliation. So other than the foregoing, I will be reserved about further details.
However, because my aim in this series of columns is to give some hope to other husbands and fathers (and even wives and mothers), who may find themselves in similarly desperate straits, it is necessary to describe the “pit” I found myself in in 2018 so I can share how I clawed my way out of it, and how, if you find yourself in the same pit, you can too.
Why and how those things happened to me at that time is not unrelated to my role in exposing the largest clergy sex abuse conspiracy and scandal per capita in the whole Catholic world. In order for the “bad guys” to “save Apuron,” it was critical that I be “taken out” before Apuron was taken down.
But I digress. I’ll get to that story another time.
So back to the point: what to do if you find yourself falsely accused of abuse by your spouse or even your children - and I should add: formally accused in a legal proceeding.
I suppose there is no shortcut through the grief, so the first thing to do is to just suffer it. Your grief will probably go through the well-known Kubler-Ross pattern of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
You don’t have to get to “acceptance” before taking the next step though. In fact, this pattern of grief can repeat many times. And there is never any predicting when that “jab of red-hot memory” - as C.S. Lewis described it - is going to erupt out of your heart and into your throat. So just accept it. Cry as much as you need.
Ultimately, though, especially if you find yourself in court, you must get your wits about you because it is very likely if you have been thus accused - falsely accused - that your accuser is hoping you will break before you can turn the tables. The idea is to accuse you of violence to make you react violently so your accuser can say “See, Your Honor. There he goes again!”
The next thing to do is get an attorney, especially if the other party has already initiated legal action. Due to court rules which set out timelines, you will need to immediately file whatever you need to file to initially protect yourself.
However, and this is a big “however,” do not - I repeat - do not leave it to your attorney to see to your interests. You must - I repeat - you must educate yourself as if you are your own attorney, at least on the procedural basics.
The failure of one of my attorneys (I had six - not including myself) to file a reply to the most damning of the allegations left the court no option but to take my children away from me - a situation that persisted for five terrible years and caused untold damage to those children.
The problem was that I didn’t even know - at the time - that I could have replied, and that had I replied, I might have put a quick end to that traumatic mess. But because I left my interests to “the professionals,” I lost my children.
More next time.
Note: For the readers of this blog, I share more details and resources at a link in the side bar: "Keep Breathing."
Tim Rohr has resided in Guam since 1987. He has raised a family of 11 children, owned several businesses, and is active in local issues via his blog, JungleWatch.info, letters to local publications, and occasional public appearances. He may be contacted at timrohr.guam@gmail.com
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