Wednesday, June 29, 2016


TO: Camillo Ballin, Roman Catholic Vicar Apostolic of the Apostolic Vicariate of Northern Arabia
FR: Archdiocese of Agana
RE: Return of Lickin' Louie

Dear Bishop Ballin:

My apologies for calling you an "asshole" earlier. I underestimated you. You've been able to do in just a couple of weeks, lickety-split, what our chancery clowns, David, Adrian, and Larry Boy, have not been able to do in over a year: complete an investigation of our beloved Lickin' Louie.

I don't know how you did it, but somehow you were able to speak with the officers who arrested him in his towel-covered-window car at that deserted beach in Agat. (WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN IN AGAT?! LOL!)

And apparently you were also able to get the file from the AG's office and examine it. Well, given the AG's recent complicity in doctoring a certificate of title, I wouldn't be surprised if she fed-exed it to you pronto. 

Because you see, Bishop Ballin, interviewing the officers and/or examining Lickin' Louie's file is the only way you could have determined that "there is not a semblance of truth to the accusation" made against Lickin' Louie. 

So well done, Bishop Ballin. Your skills are impressive. However, now that you got Lickin' Louie all cleaned up for us, how about sending him back? 

According to Apuron's own directory he is still incardinated in our diocese and you have no right to keep him from us. After all, we spent tens of thousands of dollars educating him in our wonderful seminary, and thus we should not be deprived of his great skills and gifts, especially in his ministry to seventeen year old girls. 

But you know, Bishop Ballin, something still bothers me. What accusation against Lickin' Louie are you talking about? Our local idiots, Adrian, David, and Larry Boy, keep telling us that there was no accusation. Thus the only accusation on the record is Apuron's.

By immediately accepting Lickin' Louie's resignation, stripping him just as immediately of his faculties, and sending him off into exile, it is only Apuron who has "accused" him of anything even if it is only by implication. 

Are you now willing to publicly condemn Apuron's treatment of Lickin' Louie? Obviously you have found him to be innocent while Apuron immediately found him guilty of something serious enough to warrant all those "persecutions."

Just a thought, Bishop Ballin, just a thought. But my, my, my, you apparently have such little regard for the tenuous position of the Catholic Church in your part of the world to be so cavalier about this. Maybe it's because you too believe that the Neocatechumenal Way will protect you, while everyone else "be damned." 

We've seen that sort of thing around here for quite awhile. In fact, we can smell it - even as that certain stench wafts over Guam from as far away as Qatar. Meanwhile, send Louie back. We need a new Sex Abuse Response Coordinator, and Louie has shown us he knows how to "respond." One might say he "has a nose for it!"  LOL. Bishop Ballin. Courage. Call Giuseppe. 

For more on Bishop Ballin, go here

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